Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Do older guys all want younger women?

It's not easy to let go... of the way we were... and it's even harder to let go when you were a babe or a hunk... desired for your physical beauty.... and desiring someone as beautiful as you...

My friend Rob is the same age as me, 54. When he and I met we were both 45. We had the hots for each other.. the physical chemistry was definitely there.. but then we were both sorting for the physical...superficial material things... the trophy man and woman.

He told me over dinner recently that he always went for the best looker in the room and he'd decided I was it.. and I loved men with fit bodies, lots of confidence and a great sense of humour.. I even managed to put him into the 'spiritual' category that's so important for me.. because we'd met on a business NLP course where I was assisting..and he was interested in hypnosis... and he was financially sorted!

I was the Flirt Coach babe with the blonde hair down to my ass..the one who'd been on TV.... the one who everyone noticed because I made myself noticeable... I talked a lot and laughed a lot...and was wild and outrageous sometimes by design. And I was sexy as hell... It's not surprising we'd think we were a match... even though I now know how very much we weren't......

At any given moment we could have slipped over the edge of outrageous flirting and before we knew it we'd have spent a night shagging each other rotten.. we may even have continued to meet secretly and had great sex in fancy hotel rooms... sending each other hot texts..and living with our pants on fire.. whilst pretending to our partners otherwise..
but we didn't...

He'd been hurt before and even though there was trouble in't mill as they say... he wasn't going to do to someone else what he'd had done to him.... I was going through some personal shifts and I knew that my long term relationship didn't really fit any more.. but neither of us were about to do anything about it...yet... and I was faithful...

So that moment passed but Rob and I kept in touch once or twice a year a quick email.. until a couple of years ago.. he contacted me...he was separated from his partner.. going back and forth ... being pulled by her and then pulling free.. living in the Caribbean..r he had a fabulous house on the beach... was making a mint but he was lonely, miserable and drinking too heavily and he'd just turned fifty....

He'd had a few women mostly in Miami where he often hung out... all of them considerably younger than him.. late 20's to mid 30's.. and all of them really sexy.... he was indulging in what most men of that age dream of.. having sex with nubile young girls.... because he could! But he hadn't connected with anyone beyond the bedroom.. he was still lonely as hell...

He'd been married fairly young and had two grown up children...that he'd brought up first on his own and then with his long term partner.. and in a way he was ripe;e for what I'll call 'old guy wild oat syndrome'

He's not the only one... a guy I'd connected with on a dating site.. and with whom I've had a few deep conversations.. about relationship.. and who definitely had the potential for a spiritual connection... wrote me honestly that a part of him wanted to do just what Rob had been doing in Miami... he'd been in a long relationship.. gone back and forth with that... and now he'd met me.. and admitted there was much possibility... yet he still had this yearning to live out the 'youth' he never had...

When a man gets married young, perhaps to his first or second real girlfriend... and then he has kids.. he misses out on the 'chase the girl' games that all his contemporaries are playing sometimes into their thirties..for some that's great.. and they never miss it..but for others... hmmm

My mentor Joseph Riggio says 'Biology rules'... and biology which is wound into the very depths of our DNA says... 'get together with someone.. f 888 like rabbits and make babies'... During these early hormonally charged years..testosterone looks for estrogen... everywhere...we're primed to sniff out prime sexual partners... and rut... and many of us do... with many different partners... and the rest who get hitched early... and then stay together until their late forties... or fifties have spent the best part of 30 years with one person..and then when they split... they're suddenly feeling a sense of freedom... and realise...

The oats got sown.. but only in one carefully ploughed field....

And suddenly the long relationship falls by the wayside and he finds himself out on his own.. and he's already more than halfway through his life... it's not surprising that he wants to catch up while he still can......And he thinks he's got to go back and pick up what he missed....

And that's why you see men of this age, newly out of relationships, sniffing around younger women..... and some of them get married to their nubile baby bearing babes...and start a second or sometimes even the first meaningful relationship and a second family....

And some of them don't!!!!! Some of them are looking for someone their own age to grow old together with... whose pace matches theirs..They are looking for companionship, understanding and deep connection [from which often arises very juicy sex]....

My friend Jennie's partner Tom had been single and divorced for five years when he went onto Dating Direct to look for someone to share his life. In fact he nearly missed Jennie... because she'd fallen prey to the 'they say' stories that try to convince women of fifty that all men want younger women....grrrrr

S
he'd allowed a friend to persuade her that she should put her age as 49..even though she was 52 because according to this friend men don't search for women over fifty...phooey...

In fact Tom had chosen to be matched with women between 50 and 55.. he was 57... If he hadn't have widened his search on what was going to be the last try for him... he wouldn't have found her....

And then there are those single men who've spent fifty years being single.. had relationships here and there.. lots of women and flirted and fooled around to the point that they're tired... all they want now is to have someone to relax with, to soothe their brow and maybe even give them the children they never had...

Like my friend Simon... He's just turned 50 and has been, by his own admission single for fifty years Simon told me earlier this year that he was looking for a wife.... and now he's met someone... she's 36.. It was lust at first sight and now he's talking about marrying her... after only four weeks.. he's so ready to settle down.... and the chances are he'll start a family too...I only pray that he takes some time to explore before he jumps in too quickly...

While some men regress with age others mature...Sandra 56 and a former corporate manager. has just married Alan ...They met in Ibiza whilst she visiting a friend she'd originally met on a dating site and subsequently become friends with.

Alan and Sandra are the same age..Like many people of our age they'd both been married before and evolved through their marriages. When he and Sandra met he was truly ready and willing to settle down and make a new life with her....Finally at this age they've met the one they hope to be their last soulmate....

Alan said to me when we met for the first time 'I liked doing things on my own.. it just took me time to realise I like doing them with Sandra better'. They love that they both come from the same era.. and they love that when they say 'Pink Floyd' they smile and get it... They are both into shamanism.. he had a business making camping equipment and now he's crafting new age teepees...She has exchanged her corporate suits for hippie skirts and willow weaving..They live in Santa Fe [in a hip hippie location] and visit craft events selling their amazing tepees..

They found each other late in life... and that's evidence that sometimes the best things are yet to come...

So in case you're tempted to believe the stories about all men.. think again... and whether you are a man or a woman...the key is to focus on what you want.... not what you think is available.... because that special person IS out there... and the stronger the signal YOU give out of who you REALLY ARE...the more likely you are to attract the one who's a match and fit for that...

When the man I met on the dating site wrote and told me about what a part of him wanted.. I responded with 'you'd better decide what all of you wants because right now you want what I'm not.. and there's no way I want to be with someone who doesn't want who I am totally and absolutely...

Be true to who you are and he or she will appear.. if it is meant to be...and if not it will be because something else utterly delicious has appeared to engage your energy.. and that is your path...

peta

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1 comment:

Dennis Charles said...

Peta

I really enjoyed reading this blog.


I felt that these are some really good case studies about how relationships CAN work, and thanks for the useful information about how to sustain them.

Dennis